|
| The following is an email to a friend thinking about having a baby...
(The party shall remain nameless as to make everyone suspicious),
Hey yourself! It's good to hear from you, it has been too long. It sounds like life is generally agreeing with you and that is good. I gather from your topic of interest you and the lady are at somewhat of a crossroads. I am not in a position to solicit advise, but I can hopefully give you perspective from the other side of the fence as they say. (If there is a hint of British flare coming across, it must be because I just watched an Extras marathon that was absolutely Brilliant, but now my brain has gone mental, and the little voice in me head is apparently from Manchester, and is having a laugh.) About the matter at hand, you already know that having a baby is a huge responsibility, that they require constant attention, and precious care. What you may not know, or what THEY haven't told you is that babies are truly and completely destructive and torturous in there very nature. In fact the CIA has recruited a team of toddlers to administer the torture at Guantanamo Bay. The sound of a baby crying has had a detrimental affect on the war! In fact to institute curfew the allied forces played a recording of a baby crying and anyone who found themselves out after the curfew committed suicide (and not the type they fancy over there). Elderly women poke fun at changing diapers, they make a joke and everyone gets a little chuckle. This ought not be! This is the same type of humor that combat veterans use to deter their PTSD. In fact, during the 1940's when given the option of storming the beaches at Normandy and facing almost certain death, or staying home and changing soiled diapers, military enlistment was at an all time high. There is a famous soldier who was misquoted during the series "BAND OF BROTHERS", unfortunately the retraction hasn't gotten much press. The quote was "I would've rather been anywhere in the world than in Bastonge " The real quote is; "I would've rather been anywhere in the world than in Bastonge, except of coarse changing shitty diaper pants."
Listen, as a friend I feel the need to warn you the same way I would if you were threatening your life any other way be that drugs, unprotected sex, jumping off of a bridge, running for office in Pakistan, or getting married. As for me I am existing. The "baby" acts as my prison warden. He always barks out orders, and he is very violent if I don't jump to his constant command. He's been especially cruel lately because he's teething, and giving up smoking at the same time. So now I sit with him a lot and watch "OVER THE HEDGE" on constant repeat. I feel like the little computer animated characters are my family now. I get scared every time that bear tries to eat R.J.
If I am scaring you, I'm sorry, but it's for your own good. The trick is to find simple pleasures, fool the system. Initially my wife and I were in this together, but the evil genius has turned us against one another. I do miss her terribly, but now her eyes are hollow, and they no longer hold any reflection. I am on work release so I have been taking all of the hours I can get at the slaughter house. Ironically I have been reading Kurt Vonnegut on my breaks. I find joy and solace in taking a hopeless animal and changing it's destiny from being God's creature to a family 10 pack of Encore® Sirloin Steaks. Damn it, when I write it out like this it seems that the baby is wearing off on me. Still nevertheless you have to steal moments of happiness from this otherwise bleak existence.
I am sorry to cut this email short, but the warden is waking and if he finds me communicating with the outside world it back to cage time with Shrek, Pooh, Tigger, and Elmo. Not SpongeBob though, No, He's the favorite. I must be going, but I hope this helps all the best to you, and if nothing else please remember me. Remember me even when the rest of the world just sees me as the blurry image pushing the stroller, remember that I too was once alive, and human.
Oh and if your wife is pregnant, best of luck, and I'm so happy for you two, and it's going to change your life in an amazingly great way! We couldn't be more happy for you two honestly!
Sincerely,
Jeff
| | |
| The show was a blast! We had a lot of fun and it was nice to see some familiar faces. The show did not go on without major setbacks i.e., Jeff B.'s mom was admitted to the hospital the night before, Josh was taken to the emergency room the day of and still did the show (He's a bad ass!), Jess couldn't find a black t-shirt! In light of serious events comedy seems so small, but during the show there was a such an energy, such a feeling of joy, that it reminded me what entertaining is all about. It's about celebrating life! It's about getting together with people you love on a Wednesday night and saying thank God we're still here! I think it a perfect metaphor, trying to find humor in this crazy life, is like finding a tropical paradise in downtown Rockford! Wednesday we did both! Thank you guys for everything! I think one more exclamation mark may put me over budget so I'll stop now.
Look for our upcoming show:
Tommy's
amazing dream journal! (the musical)
| | |
|
